Somebody Nobody

Posted: March 30, 2017 in Uncategorized

I am defined by what I do for a living and how I live my personal life. Everything else comes second to that. This isn’t just my thinking but also that of many that know me, even those that have been paid to help me.

How I make my money is a lifestyle for me. I’m a Close Protection Officer. Security Specialist. Security Consultant. Gunfighter. Gunslinger. Warfighter. Mercenary. Doorman. Bouncer. Bodyguard. Military Contractor. Gun for Hire. Soldier. I’m all of these things.

The way in which I live my life is a direct result of my profession. I’m a loner. I drink and fight. My money is frittered away and I am broke more times than not.

My mental health suffers. I have deep depressions. Push people away. Have amazing highs. Experience nightmares and sleepless nights. Have intrusive and suicidal thoughts. Am an emotional wreck at times and suffer from anxiety attacks. Hate myself and am full of regret.

Is this lifestyle manageable? Probably not is the most simple answer. If anything it is self-destructive.

On the flip side of this I have an amazing family, a beautiful woman who loves me unconditionally and two amazing daughters. I’m lucky enough to have a close network of friends, who offer their support, and one in particular who always seems to go above and beyond in her attempts to show me that I am not who I am and that I am loved and needed.

So why can I not see what they see and why do I continue on this path that not only drives me deeper and deeper towards the inevitable, but also affects the health and happiness of those closest to me?

There is no simple answer.

I don’t see what they see. Where they see kindness, love and a strong man; I see a dark hateful and damaged individual who doesn’t fit in. When back in the real world I have to pretend to be someone who I am not and adopt a face of normality. Where they see potential I only see despair and failure. They promise me that they will always be here, whereas I am counting down the days until they tell me they are leaving. I fully expect to be alone, everyone leaves me eventually. That’s just the way this works and is nothing new to me.

What people don’t understand is the fact that I have been this way for so long, living this life of self-destruction, that I honestly don’t believe that there is a way back. In addition to this, and probably more importantly, my profession makes me a ‘somebody’, giving me a sense and purpose which I have never felt before and am loath to give up even when faced with the consequences of loosing everything. The thought of being a ‘nobody’ and living some ‘normal life’ fills me with a fear that is not easily put into words and is something that is so alien to me that it sounds almost like some fanciful movie dreamed up by some script writer in Hollywood.

Those closest to me tell me that I am a strong individual, am loved and needed. Apparently its rare to find someone of my character and someone recently went as far to say that I am the ‘best man that they know’. If this is truly the case then why can I not see it. Why do I continuously struggle and why can I not become a ‘nobody’. Somebody else, that was close to me and who apparently loved me, once said that I will never change and that this is who I am and who I will always be. They said that I will lose everyone and eventually myself, that I will end up alone and without anyone. That I don’t deserve love or happiness. This is a more accurate assessment of how I see things panning out and how I often feel within myself. I’m not saying that this is how it should be, but it is how I feel and more importantly it’s how I see my life and the way in which it is defined.


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